03
Jul
12

I miss my son

I sent my son to my ex husband and it has been harder this year. He is supposed to begin high school there. I don’t believe I have it in me to with stand long distance parenting. I am almost positive I don’t! I don’t want to call him on Oovoo. I don’t want to text. I want to see him, rub his head, see his awkward smile, and hear his voice transition in our home. I love that my child. My oldest son. I want him home. That’s pitiful I suppose. But it’s how I feel.

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29
Jun
12

College

I don’t understand college students. The somewhere between believing they are grown and yet still being dependent on their parents. It an interesting quantum. I sit in the parking lot of my eldest daughter’s college waiting for her to finish a factional speech. That she is about to present with heartfelt angst as though the pain and loss of the situation affects her to this day. I yet when she forgot her visual and she looked at me with the same lost look she had in middle school. Like her Mom I came through as usual.

24
Jun
12

Psssh at myself

I hide behind this blog. I know no one reads it. Its more like a journal a diary if you will. So I name it something strong and ambitious. That sounds as though i am a determined and ambitious individual who speaks her mind when challenged. Yet that is not me.unfortunately not. I do think strong and wonderful things.i have a courageous wit and I can defend anyone except the person who needs it most…me. SMH at myself.

22
Jun
12

Big Decision…lack of support

I have 2 great friends really and that’s ok.  Some people don’t have 2. I have counted on for the majority of my life.  They are my family.  They are my children’s family.  Now that my daughter is a young adult she can call on her aunts when she cannot reach me for advice from school work to motherly advice. I know that if I checked out of this world tomorrow. My friends would be there for my children to guide them and ensure that they know who their mother was.  With that said. I am now going forward with an idea that I have had for awhile.  It is like my baby.  I am putting it out there.  Hoping that as she begins to crawl to me we can eventually getting to the point int the upcoming months were I take her little hands and hold them above her head she takes her first successful steps towards walking.  I am so excited. A business owner. This was not the plan I had for myself. I was going to be a writer, a pilot, a psychologist.  Yet, just when I wrote those words I took a pause and realized that a writer is an independent person as  is a psychologist.  Both of those professions can work in their own world without bosses. A psychologist may need a license and may have clients but they do not need to work with a boss.  So maybe all this time I did want to have my own independence? Hmmm. While my friends support this venture my spouse only wants to know how will I make money. He cannot see where the money will come from.  But that is not the only reason I want to do this. Of course I want to get paid so I can help our household but there is a need in this community for the business I want to start.  For the business I will start. For the business that I will succeed in! Yes my time is coming. OUR TIME!

14
Jun
12

Its good to feel my heart beat

My first born child told me to check out a song NOW on Facebook.  She is 19! Born on my birthday the best gift I have a ever received.  With typically teenage angst she demands my attention. I am not sure what the difference is between her and my two year old at this point. Except this demand was sweet. She wanted me to look at a song posted on youtube that conveyed what she wished to tell me.  I believe it is exactly what I needed to hear.

It comforted me instantly gratifying. After listening and reading along with the lyrics (which she knows are ultimately what’s important to me) I felt light! As thought a weight had been lifted. I am a good Mom! I have raised a confident child! I have done a good job. She knows that she has value, she is beautiful, she is loved and knows this because I instilled it in her. How did I manage this? For I had a good Mom who did the same for me. If I would just dig down deep enough and listen to what she planted I would know this to be true.  Right now though my daughter still has me here to tell her and it means the world to me and because of this song I mean the world to her *smiling from ear to ear!*

The song she insisted I listen to was …by Lauren Alaina –  Like My Mother Does

Giddy

14
Jun
12

Social media

You know what I appreciate about this blog? That no one really knows that it is here right now. It’s just down right cathartic.  I can just write and release. I initialized my Facebook for MY overseas family. So they could see my children grow up since we were miles apart.  The cousins I loved and grew up with were able to see my kids: Whenever I posted a picture or a status. I couldn’t afford to call because international calls were expensive but with Facebook we were connected again.

Then came the influx of requests from high school friends, old church friends, neighbors, friends from the Navy Reserves and I was happy. Connecting with people I had not heard from times past seeing their families and how we had all grown and changed. When I got remarried I was only too happy to expand, my connections, to my new family. However, they didn’t get my humor or sarcasm.  They didn’t know me or understand my reclusive nature and the fact that I am fine being in my house, alone or with my kids.

In reality I don’t understand my new family either. I thought I tried but that’s just my truth. I believe there are two more sides to that truth – theirs and the actual truth.  Maybe I don’t try. Maybe I don’t try hard enough? Maybe I should cook and invite them over? Maybe I should… not quite sure of what I should do because I’m not very motivated to do so in all honesty.  I just don’t fit.  I have two children that share their name and fit into their world but as for me I am a polite outsider that stands on the sidelines. I’m cool with that. I make sure the coolers are filled for the players and pat them on the back when they run in!

12
Jun
12

I just got to thinking….

This is my first blog on this site but 3rd attempt at maintaining a blog.  Right after I named this blog I thought of “butterlieschange” but it was too late.  Some may say but butterflies don’t change caterpillars do.  Everything changes. Life goes through one more cycle…death.  But there has to be a reason that “takingmyownsteps” stuck! I need to take my own steps.

NO ONE else can walk them for me. Not my literal or figurative steps can any other person make for me.  My spiritual steps are led is my belief but I often don’t listen to the voice that guides me.  Instead I do my own thing and suffer consequences that I didn’t need to. I remember an assignment either late in high school or college when we are asked to write all the adjectives that described us  – mother, sister, friend, human, lover, wife, female. Then I had dreams of occupations of grandeur that lay before me that would fill me with purpose and allow me earthly possessions that would make me happy.  Now I can copy and paste the same adjectives and because I did not take my own steps and follow my own path I am here. Writing a blog that hopefully will lead to some self discovery.

Join me




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